So my children, today I bring you something short, but sweet because I’m typing this with a partially broken left hand. But do not worry; it’s something that’ll make your lady parts quiver with joy and anticipation. In this weeks, weekend movie preview I give you Hannah a movie about a sixteen year old girl raised by her father to be the perfect assassin. The movie was directed by Joe Wright, written by Seth Lockhead and stars Saorirse Ronan, Cate Blanchett, and Eric Bana.
So let’s sit back and watch the trailer together. Ok so it starts off with a crazy British albino sixteen year old girl in a jump suit. At this point I know this movie is going to be awesome! So in my trailer the sixteen year old ninja albino is so awesome they must lock her away in a sealed vault. Yeah, she’s a badass. Because I personally went through years of total bad ass training, so the badass inside me jumped a little when she snaps the red heads neck, yeah I’ll admit it I giggled like a school girl. Then it gets a little weird, she escapes, then kills two military officers on her way out. Now that’s not the weird part, the weird part comes when they start looking at her blood samples. Now at first I thought , she was just an entire new level of badass. Not to be mistaken for the daughter trained to be a badass super hero in Kick-Ass by Nick Cage, no this girl has something entirely different on her side. Yeah, metachlorines, she’s not just any sixteen year old albino ninja; nope this bitch is a straight up Jedi. So cut to a quick Rocky montage of her training in Russia or something, then add her meeting a hippy mom and daughter, softening her albino ninja side, then add another assassin who is hunting her, that looks like he’s straight out of Clockwork Orange and you’ve set yourself up for one of the year’s most holy shit, what the hell am I watching movies of the year. I’ll get back to you with my score and review once I go see it this weekend
“Sometimes children are bad people too” Durpdadur have you talked to any of the ten year olds on Xbox live?
Graham Haas
Preview kind of? Grahams Take: Arthur
Let me begin by saying that I was very dissapointed to find out that this movie was not in fact a live action version of the Arthur cartoon. I was excited at the thought of saying “hey!”, but all I said was “ugh!” as I saw Russell Brand’s ugly mug on yet another shitty comedy vehicle for a man who I think lacks any star potential or indeed any worthwhile laughs at all.
Let’s step back a minute and I will admit that this is all about Katy Perry. Katy Perry being with this behemoth caveman of a Brit. Jesus Christ, I started tweezing my unibrow when I was twelve, and I thought that sucked. Russell Brand must have been born with two demon caterpillars fucking on his forehead.
But let’s move beyond the fact that Russell Brand is hideous and dumb and his voice makes me want to catch a horse on fire just to erase that frequency forever. And the fact that Katy Perry belongs in a polygamous relation ship with the guys from 3OH!3, who are actually funny and handsome (even the weird one with long hair is better than RB).
So what’s the story?
Arthur is actually a remake of a 1981 movie of the same name, which was critically acclaimed and actually sounds pretty cool. There’re stabbings and irreverent humor and it kind of seems like a weird mix of The Graduate and Prince and the Pauper. But this movie doesn’t seem like it’s going to be anything like that. It looks like it has three arcs: 1 - Russell Brand is spoiled rich heir and must marry Jennifer Garner in order to keep his money, but he just doesn’t love her. 2 – Russell Brand meets simpler girl who he does love and magically cures him of his brattiness and makes him try to live without money (and this seems to be where a lot of this movie’s laughs are curbing on). 3 – Everything works out ok and he doesn’t have to choose between being rich and having the girl he wants. See if any of this doesn’t happen.
I’ve never seen the original (and I don’t really want to) but it sounds way better than this. For one, Liza Minelli was the “plain girl” in the original. For another, this, like all other movies with Russell Brand, feels like a cheap spinoff of the Hangover, right down to cameoing Evander Holyfield. And I don’t need that. If I want to see someone being Russell Brand’s stereotypical character (and also being funny) I’ll watch Jemaine Clement in Dinner for Schmucks.
So, in closing, don’t see Arthur because it’ll be a crappy movie and I have a personal vendetta against Russell Brand. Although I am happy about Luis Guzman being in this. But seriously, folks, Your Highness comes out this weekend. See that instead.
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