Movie Review: Your Highness - by Blake

This shall be my Love letter to Danny McBrideas I review Your Highness; remember, shock comedy is awesome, and this movie was a parody in its purest of forms. I’ve read other reviews where people were disappointed with the amount of F-bombs and gay jokes. I guess my only question for these reviewers is. Have you never seen anything with Danny McBride in it? East Bound and Down, and Pineapple Express are the first that come to mind? Hell even his K-Swiss commercials, they’re all chalk full of penis jokes. If you went into this movie thinking it was the next Monty Python and the Holy Grail, then of course you came out disappointed, but if you go in with the preconceived notion that “this movie is going to have one too many penis jokes in it” then why even see it. “I mean you’re going to a Shock Comedy, and you aren’t expecting penis jokes? Really?” thanks for that one TJ.

So anyway… The movie is definitely worth seeing. Yeah I laughed a lot during this movie, call me immature, I don’t really care, I enjoyed the movie. Among some of the funniest on screen chemistry I’ve seen in years between McBride and Franco, you also get the always beautiful Natalie Portman swinging swords and sporting a metal chastity thong, and Zooey Deschanel playing the would be virgin for the evil warlock to implant his evil seed in to create a dragon. I really don’t want this to turn into a spoiler so I’ll leave you with this.

Quote via IMDB triva "Although the film was written by writer Ben Best and actor Danny McBride, the dialogue is heavily improvised. Director David Gordon Green said there was never a script used on-set. Only the plot outline and written notes were used.

My score 7/10

“Haters gonna hate, and lovers gonna love”

Weekend Preview: Hannh and Arthur with Blake and Graham

Preview: Hannah by Blake

So my children, today I bring you something short, but sweet because I’m typing this with a partially broken left hand. But do not worry; it’s something that’ll make your lady parts quiver with joy and anticipation. In this weeks, weekend movie preview I give you Hannah a movie about a sixteen year old girl raised by her father to be the perfect assassin. The movie was directed by Joe Wright, written by Seth Lockhead and stars Saorirse Ronan, Cate Blanchett, and Eric Bana.

So let’s sit back and watch the trailer together. Ok so it starts off with a crazy British albino sixteen year old girl in a jump suit. At this point I know this movie is going to be awesome! So in my trailer the sixteen year old ninja albino is so awesome they must lock her away in a sealed vault. Yeah, she’s a badass. Because I personally went through years of total bad ass training, so the badass inside me jumped a little when she snaps the red heads neck, yeah I’ll admit it I giggled like a school girl. Then it gets a little weird, she escapes, then kills two military officers on her way out. Now that’s not the weird part, the weird part comes when they start looking at her blood samples. Now at first I thought , she was just an entire new level of badass. Not to be mistaken for the daughter trained to be a badass super hero in Kick-Ass by Nick Cage, no this girl has something entirely different on her side. Yeah, metachlorines, she’s not just any sixteen year old albino ninja; nope this bitch is a straight up Jedi. So cut to a quick Rocky montage of her training in Russia or something, then add her meeting a hippy mom and daughter, softening her albino ninja side, then add another assassin who is hunting her, that looks like he’s straight out of Clockwork Orange and you’ve set yourself up for one of the year’s most holy shit, what the hell am I watching movies of the year. I’ll get back to you with my score and review once I go see it this weekend

“Sometimes children are bad people too” Durpdadur have you talked to any of the ten year olds on Xbox live?

Graham Haas

Preview kind of? Grahams Take: Arthur
Let me begin by saying that I was very dissapointed to find out that this movie was not in fact a live action version of the Arthur cartoon. I was excited at the thought of saying “hey!”, but all I said was “ugh!” as I saw Russell Brand’s ugly mug on yet another shitty comedy vehicle for a man who I think lacks any star potential or indeed any worthwhile laughs at all.

Let’s step back a minute and I will admit that this is all about Katy Perry. Katy Perry being with this behemoth caveman of a Brit. Jesus Christ, I started tweezing my unibrow when I was twelve, and I thought that sucked. Russell Brand must have been born with two demon caterpillars fucking on his forehead.
But let’s move beyond the fact that Russell Brand is hideous and dumb and his voice makes me want to catch a horse on fire just to erase that frequency forever. And the fact that Katy Perry belongs in a polygamous relation ship with the guys from 3OH!3, who are actually funny and handsome (even the weird one with long hair is better than RB).
So what’s the story?

Arthur is actually a remake of a 1981 movie of the same name, which was critically acclaimed and actually sounds pretty cool. There’re stabbings and irreverent humor and it kind of seems like a weird mix of The Graduate and Prince and the Pauper. But this movie doesn’t seem like it’s going to be anything like that. It looks like it has three arcs: 1 - Russell Brand is spoiled rich heir and must marry Jennifer Garner in order to keep his money, but he just doesn’t love her. 2 – Russell Brand meets simpler girl who he does love and magically cures him of his brattiness and makes him try to live without money (and this seems to be where a lot of this movie’s laughs are curbing on). 3 – Everything works out ok and he doesn’t have to choose between being rich and having the girl he wants. See if any of this doesn’t happen.

I’ve never seen the original (and I don’t really want to) but it sounds way better than this. For one, Liza Minelli was the “plain girl” in the original. For another, this, like all other movies with Russell Brand, feels like a cheap spinoff of the Hangover, right down to cameoing Evander Holyfield. And I don’t need that. If I want to see someone being Russell Brand’s stereotypical character (and also being funny) I’ll watch Jemaine Clement in Dinner for Schmucks.

So, in closing, don’t see Arthur because it’ll be a crappy movie and I have a personal vendetta against Russell Brand. Although I am happy about Luis Guzman being in this. But seriously, folks, Your Highness comes out this weekend. See that instead.

Weekend Preview: Super, Insidious by Blake and Graham

Weekend Preview: Insidious by Blake

So for this weeks weekend preview I give you Insidious. A horror film directed by James Wan, and written by Leign Whannell. Wan has worked on his share of Horror films such as Saw(2004), Saw 3(2006), and Dead Silence (2007). Legign Whannell has acted in and also worked on many of the Saw movies. The film was produced by Oren Peli who is best known for the two Paranormal Activity films, and the up coming Area 51.

Ok now that all the formal stuff is out of the way let me give you my thoughts on the trailer.

Insidious is Insidious, ok got it, they want us to know Insidious is Insidious what ever that is suppose to mean, repeat that five or six mores times in the opening ten seconds of the trailer. Ok now the trailer opens with some substance, Oh a rocking horse with no one on it creepy! though I was really hoping for a creepy looking ghosted out Micheal Jackson. what too soon? Anyway a happily married couple has a kid who appears to be in a coma or at least that's what it looks like but the doctors are seemingly dumb founded by it. They then introduce some paranormal detectives who can't find anything, so they bring in the old over tanned lady from There's Something about Mary as a Psychic detective. Low and behold what does she tell us? The house isn't haunted, their son is. So after watching this trailer a few dozen times I noticed something and figured out, just who the true villain of our story is. If you didn't notice him, don't be ashamed I'm a Star Wars nerd. There can really be only one character from Star Wars that is crazy enough to be in his own movie, where he happens plays a child haunting bastard. Yeah, you guessed it right, it's Dark Maul, you crazy looking bastard.

Weekend Preview: Super by Graham

So let's take a moment to talk about a movie I'm surprised everyone isn't talking about - Super (James Gunn,2011). First off, yes, it is "that" James Gunn. To recap for those who know know, he wrote the screenplay for Zach Snyder's Dawn of the Dead and directed the PG Porn Shorts. More importantly, he's the brother of Sean Gunn, Kirk from Gilmore Girls (who is in this movie). The man is a genius. Watch the PG Porn Stuff, just search it in Youtube, it's all great.

But let's talk about Super. After doing a little digging, I'm afraid to say it's a movie none of us will be seeing in theaters too soon. First off, it's unrated. Which is a death sentence for box office and distribution. Hopefully it will turn up in Ann Arbor or Cleveland in a week or two. The second is that for now it's only releasing in New York and LA. So if you live in one of those places, you should go see it. I don't care to much if critics or even I think it's good. The point is that the guy has payed his dues and is working with a talent cast. Rainn Wilson is the lead, with Ellen page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon, and Nathan "Captain Mal" Fillion. Watch the movie just because I told you to, dammit. These people need to be encouraged to make more movies like this one

If my word isn't enough, though, consider the story. It's about Rainn's wife (Liv Tyler) being seduced by a sexy drug dealer (Kevin bacon). Rainn Wilson then adopts a superhero alter-ego to fight crime and attack Kevin Bacon, all the while trying to ignore that he's doing it for personal reasons, not out of any real sense of good or evil. In an increasingly morbid and gory descent into vigilante insanity. Also, his catch-phrase is "shut up, crime".

Anyway, look it up and follow it. If anyone happens to catch it tell us about it in the comments. Otherwise I'll update when it's more widely available or I get a chance to see it. For now, though, go watch the trailer on youtube just search Rinn Wilson "Super".

Yeah.Peace.

Move Review: Sucker Punch with Blake and Graham

***Warning Possible Spoilers***

Lobotomize me baby!!! I said, Lobotomize me Baby! Yeah what can I say about Sucker Punch other than WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH? Capitalized to emphasize my “I might just leave at the half way point” moment and that doesn’t happen often with this reviewer. I sat through My Soul To Take, and Battle:LA, this year so I put my man foot down and decided to stay.

Let’s get down to it, first and for most, yes some of the scenes are beautiful. But from the director of 300, and Watchmen, I’d expect as much. Though they were beautiful I wouldn’t call them innovative, it was the same slow motion, sword fighting, bullet dodging, fire breathing dragon killing, slow motion we’ve seen in about ten other films in the last year. I mean come on I think we’ve seen a girl dressed up like Sailor Moon dodge enough bullets by the last thread of her three inch skirt for at least five months. Anyway, so she creates an alternate reality for herself, then adds another layer to this alternate reality when she dances in that reality, I mean performs sexual favors in reality, confused yet? ok I get it but she’s only been in the psych ward for less than twenty four hours and let’s not forget she went in a s a sane patient, does she really need a coping mechanism this early? Me thinks Zach Snyder was on LSD when he watched Inception then immediately went home and wrote this script.

Anyway, so she creates a second reality within the alternate reality when she dances. Ok cool some action, oh look a temple is that really? No it can’t be is that Mr. Miyagi? Oh wait no it’s just a guy that looks and sounds just like Spock he even has the weird Vulcan ears. Ok so this man is her spirit guide within her alternate reality, cool beans now let’s get to some ass kicking, girl in a mini skirt and heals sword fighting. Oh shit she just got kicked by a 12 foot iron samurai fifty feet backwards, through a wooden door. Oh wait she then stands up without a scratch and is perfectly fine to go all super saiyan on his ass and his two buddies. First “trial” down four to go, well let’s keep this short you get to see her do her best Will Smith in I robot impression, then get to see her fight zombie robot nazi, and then she fights a fucking dragon, did I mention she kills a baby dragon by pulling its head back and cutting the poor babies throat while it cries for its mother. At this point, I found myself fist pumping for the mother dragon hoping she would persevere against these monsters and end the movie for us all, but she failed sadly.

Ok, she has all the random crap she needed to escape awesome! I mean three of the five girls are dead at this point, the fire alarm goes off and all the doors unlock…wait a minute? If the fire alarm unlocked all the exits then why not just do this from the get go? Anyway, they make it outside, the excitement is building, she’s almost home free. Oh crap five guys in black suits waiting to rape any young would be escaping burlesque performer, I mean psych ward patient. Then she gets the bright idea that Mr.Miyspocky has always wanted her to sacrifice herself because this isn’t her story, it’s the other random blonde in the movie that has almost zero character development outside of, she went into a psych ward, I mean burlesque for her younger sister who had mommy/daddy doesn’t treat me right emo issues.

Well in the end she escapes, at the cost of her sister, her friends, and her pale side kick baby doll. By the way what the hell is up with Spock showing up at the end as the bus driver that will take this escaping psych ward patient home? So this guys their guardian angel, I guess that’s the entire point. But for god knows why he is a bus driver who during this entire movie has never met or spoken to Baby Doll outside of her own twisted alternate reality. So it makes perfect since that the guy would be the bus driver and somehow know all about everything that’s transpired at this psych ward in the last week. Again, this crazy bitch has only been at this psych ward for a week, and she somehow gets three people killed, the oldest of the girls freed, and herself lobotomized. Yes she forged documents to get herself lobotomized after only being at the psych ward for less than a week. Winona Ryder had more balls in the Girl, Interrupted, and she didn’t kill a dragon, zombie nazi, or the robots from I Robot. So in the end, Baby Doll is basically brain dead after being in a Psych ward for less than a week, three other patients are dead, a room has been destroyed by fire, and an the orderly who looked like Gomez Adams is arrested for being a pedophile. So there thank me or hate me I just saved you the cost of a ticket at your local theater.

GRAHAM’S TAKE:
Ok, so this movie had so much going for it. Emily Browning, Light-of-My-Eyes, from such great films as The Uninvited and Ghost Ship kicking ass in a short skirt? With swordfights and gunfights and zombies and dragons? And the possibility of a story that makes all of this kinda make sense? Plus all the Zack Snyder cool camera shit. And some pretty decent music . I mean, watch the trailer. It’s incredible. I wish “When the Levee Breaks” had actually been in the movie.

However, even I, who did my best to be a superfan for this film, was disappointed. And I ask myself, is there any way this movie could have been saved? Here are my ideas:

1. Make it rated R. I mean, come on. Stop all this hinting at pandering to your demographic and actually show us blood and heads being chopped off and titties. Make the already dark story make more sense by raising the stakes instead of pretending that all the girls do is dance. Which reminds me…

2. Show the fucking dancing. A major plot point in this film is that Emily Browning is such an amazing dancer that all who watch her are transfixed and the antihero Polish/Russian whatever ballerina/whore is impressed enough to help her. How much of her dancing is shown in the film (not counting one of the most confusing credits sequences ever?). 0 minutes and 0 seconds if you don’t count a little bit of shoulder swaying. I mean, for all the skimpy outfits there’s little actual sensuality in the movie.

3. The beginning. To care about characters, we need to develop a rapport with them, understand where they come from. We know that tragedy has befallen Emily Browning (boy, she just doesn’t have any luck with her guardians. Which may be her fault too since she’s killed or injured multiple ones in her acting career) but why should we care about her, or any of the girls? Nothing definite or relatable is shared about their backstories. For all we know they’re just crazy whores. Maybe that’s the point.

4. Making this movie actually empowering for women. Every time we have a female protagonist in an action movie someone is sure to say “hey, that’s empowering to women”. It’s at the very least implied. Not so here. After kicking ass in Never-Neverland, every single woman in the movie gets the crap instantly beat out of her if she stands up to a man. Even Emily Browning’s final gambit involves walking up to a bunch of dudes and metaphorically bending over and taking it for the team. What the hell? Can’t five girls in real life overpower ONE guy at least once? Jesus. Speaking of which…

5. Fucking finish someone off, Emily. She just keeps wounding these psychopaths and running away. How can this possibly help her? Hasn’t she heard about waking bears and elephants always remembering? I mean, in both of these scenarios (shooting step daddy in the beginning and defending herself from Blue in the end) she had every right to defend herself with deadly force, and it would have saved her.
All of these are annoying points, but here’s the one thing that would have made this movie awesome:

6. Being even a little more self-aware. I mean, crack another joke. Be honest about how sexist and dumb the movie was. Cater to the demographic and say “hey, isn’t it funny how everything in this movie is designed to get me, Zack Snyder off? I am literally directing this with one hand”. Unfortunately, only Jon Hamm can see this, prophesying for us all at the end “Did you see that? I mean, did you see that?”
I’m so sorry Sucker Punch. I dreamed of you being so much more. Someone give Emily Browning a good role. Maybe being Emma Stone’s little sister in a movie about them being sex therapists. I would watch the hell out of that.

Movie Review: Red Riding Hood

So we went and saw Red Riding Hood staring Amanda Seyfried. Well it turned out to be pretty enjoyable, though during parts of the movie, visually I felt like I was watching the sequel to the Village. Thank god M. Night Shyamalan never had that bright idea. My only major complaint is that the werewolf could of looked more viscous but I can handle a simply over sized black wolf, just as I can handle Amanda Seyfrieds giant over sized eyes for two hours. This, like Alice in Wonderland is a handful of films based on children bed time stories, and as these films continue to make money I'm sure we'll be seeing more like them. Such as the upcoming Beastly, Pan, and who knows what else. Watch out Comic Book Genre, the bed time stories are coming for you.

7/10

Movie Review: Battle LA

So I just saw Battle: LA err I mean Independence day: 2 Battle for the Da H20. First off let me say I did enjoy this movie though I don't think it was meant to be a comedy. But the movie focuses on a handful of marines who die pretty constantly through out the film. Now I don't know who has been training these men but there are a few glaring mistakes made throughout the movie. "Did you hear that? No must of been a puppy, so lets walk down this foggy street without securing it first" BOOOM half of them die. I mean really come on, this is First Person Shooter 101 here. I'm pretty sure I could of led of a team of battle harden Halo veterans into LA and done better. What did I learn from this movie, that self sacrifice is fine as long as you kill one or two aliens that end up killing half your men anyway. That aliens can fuel their ships, bodies and weapons with our H20. Where was bobby Booshay during the filming of this movie. Because nothing would of made this better than The water boy going all Arnold from The Predator on their asses. If you're advanced enough to fly into our solar system without being detected, I'd think you'd be advanced enough to be able to filter our sea water for proper use. So why not just hover out in the middle ocean suck us dry and take off. So in the end, I did enjoy it, I got a lot of good laughs, I got to see two face from the last Batman movie be emo about losing a few troops here and there, and pull off his best impression of Tom Hanks from Saving Ryans Privates. I got to see a remake of Independence Day, severely lacking enough Jeff Goldblum, but it did have a lot of inspirational speeches though it lacked the "This is our Independence day". So I rate this movie a 7 out of 10 but only because I have a soft side for aliens movies. Because 95% of them make no since at all. But they are entertaining from the fantasy perspective.